Pearls from a Crabby Man's Wife

Dear My Toy Garden Friends,

Vacations are a flowing stream of memories created and captured and treasured. Our trip to Florida over the last few days was no different. Days filled with sand castles, wave jumping, lizard catching, crabs and seashells. As I sit tonight and reflect over the last 6 days visiting my husband's father and stepmother, it is not an image of my children playing that stands out the most though there are plenty of fun images to treasure. It is a comment uttered while perched on the top of a palm tree trunk on a sunny day at the beach. A comment that soaked into my heart like the warmth of the sun. It's amazing how God puts us in the right place at the right time to hear what we most need to hear. This week, I share her words so that they may be just what you need to hear as well.

Sam, my father-n-law, has a talent for growing peppers and has a refrigerator full of his culinary creations. His personality is as peppery. He reads a great deal, trimming out articles from magazines and newspaper, underlining and highlighting them and gathering them together in a great brain mass of paper jumbled across the kitchen counter. He is quick to point out that he is right and you are wrong. He knows best and, if you just listen to him, all will be well. A jab there. A poke there. Frequently criticizing but seldom aware of it. Not an easy man to be married to.

My beach buddy yesterday was his wife of 40 years, Chris. I've wondered at the mystery of how this woman could be married to this man after all the years putting up with so much. Now I know her secret.

Just down the beach a young couple seemed to be enjoying capturing their visit to the beach with a series of photos. "Ah, young love," I commented.

"Young love? Nah. I'd rather have old love. It's much better. It's calm. It's sure. It's strong."

"It's all about compromise," she continued. "If you are married to a man who is no good, then move on. If you are married to a good man, you compromise and make it work." Compromise...such a hard word in this egocentric world of I must be right and you must be wrong. Compromise...challenging in this quest to find the perfect partner only to learn that truly, no one is perfect. Compromise...the forgiving, the letting go, the seeking peace, the lifting up of the other. Compromise....the give and take that makes love grow from young love to old love...calm. Sure. Strong. Thank you Chris for the gift of love....true love that lasts. I can think of no greater gift to give ourselves or model for our children.

Playfully, 
Toylady Janet

My Mother's Last Words

Dear My Toy Garden friends,

Uncle Allen was gone. One of those fluke things. A spot was noticed on his lung. A routine biopsy and, in a blink, he was gone. The sad phones calls began to share the news with family and friends. Who would tell Aunt Verina though?

"Not I," said the son.

"Not I," said the daughter. Who? No one wanted to call and tell my mom that her brother had passed away.

My mother, the youngest in her family of five, lived a very challenging life growing up. Years of abuse on many levels had left her with emotional scars that are so hard to heal. Her explosive outbursts toward family in fast food restaurants, grocery stores and special gatherings had led to a very cautious approach of her. After many years of seeking to understand her, to support her and to love her in spite of the anger, I choose to distance myself. Sadly the distance grew not only from her but from the rest of my family as well.

Years passed...I became a mom....Uncle Allen was gone. A chance to come home to visit...perhaps reconnect. Dare I? Could things be different? Could a daughter feel her mother's love at long last? Mom learned of his passing and, to the amazement of all, behaved admirably....calling on his wife with her regrets....visiting the funeral home to say her goodbyes...all without a moment of drama. A major, major milestone for her. I was so proud...so very proud as I knew how very difficult it must have been for her. So proud I wanted her to know. Not in a letter. Not on the phone but with my eyes. With my heartfelt words. Perhaps this could begin to melt the ice between us.

With my infant daughter asleep in the backseat, I took a deep breath and slowed at her home. The rocks scattering beneath my tires, the car came to a stop. My heart like a butterfly trapped in a shoebox. A pause of my hand on the car door handle and a deep breath, I took the first step toward the house. As my hand raised to knock, the door opened and there she was. Wow. Had that many years really passed? Mom. With a quiver in my voice, the words rushed out, "Mom. I'm so proud of you." The sentences tumbled out as I attempted to tell her what I so wished for her to hear. Hope perching on my shoulder. I finished. The silence stretched around my heart. And then....bam. There it was just as I'd seen so many times before. Her anger. Swelling and gushing and swelling again...a storm of words intended to hurt. I stumbled off the steps and to my car her final words like arrows behind me. "Get the h... out of my house. Get the h...out of my life and don't ever f.... come back." My Mom's last words I heard.

I share this story this week for those like me and I've learned over the years that there are many of you out there. Those like me who are truly happy for people who get to enjoy the sweet experience of close family but whose hearts ache when they see family picnics, Mother's day gushes on Facebook, are invited to weddings of friends with rich family traditions. For those like me who long for their children to enjoy a large close family but know it can't ever be. Such a tangled web of emotions there are. To you, like me, I want to say, you are not alone. While friends can never fully take the place of your family, you are loved and you are important to many people out there. You are wonderful just the way you are no matter what your family is like. Bless and release but know that you are human and it's okay for the tears to fall from time to time.

I share this story this week for those of you who do enjoy amazing families so that you can be aware of those around you and perhaps notice the pain on another's heart so that you can offer a hug, a smile, a loving word of comfort. You can make a difference.

Most importantly, I share this story with you this week to help you understand that My Toy Garden is about so much more than selling toys. I so desire for children today to grow up connected to their families and to feel unconditional love. Love that comes from spending quality time with one another like playing a game, playing catch, doing a puzzle, caring for one another. In this rush, rush, rush world we choose to immerse ourselves in, what truly matters to you? What example are you setting for the children in your life? Let's make the most of today so the tomorrows will be full of love for all.

With Love, 
Toylady Janet